I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
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