and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
