Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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