Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
