Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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