dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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