What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
