look no pants
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You are a genius and a whore.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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