i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
