I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
