It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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