He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
