One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
