so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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