Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
