i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
