I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
