Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
it glows. i had to have it.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
