If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
