Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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