I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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