Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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