I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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