There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
