Where did you get a picture of my penis
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
