Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
