I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
