she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
