So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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