summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i just had sex bonerless
i just google imaged poop.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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