Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
