All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
