I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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