I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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