whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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