i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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