i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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