God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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