i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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