If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
