I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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