apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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