Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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