Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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