His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
