dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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