I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
