took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
