Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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