If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
