You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
