Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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